


don't go too far, because I'm here

by itsgameover



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, i love seho with my whole heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:38:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsgameover/pseuds/itsgameover
Summary: Junmyeon has always been special to Sehun. It just takes him over a decade to realize why.





	don't go too far, because I'm here

Sometimes all it takes is one look, one sincere smile, one small moment for realization to dawn. And it feels like falling into the depths of the ocean, drowning in between waves and waves of emotion. It suffocates all senses, leaves only a buzzing sound behind and makes you wonder just how much blood you have left after such a fatal wound. 

Sehun wonders if he ever had a moment of realization like that. Ponders if he ever fell this hard for someone else before (pining and knowing this is an unrequited love) and no matter how hard he thinks about it no answer comes to mind. He isn’t exactly straight, this is not the first time he has felt things for a man, but this is the first he feels like dying knowing his feelings go down unnoticed. 

To be honest, what Sehun really wonders if he has always thought about Junmyeon like this, feeling a burning heat creeping under his skin every time they are within arms reach. When Baekhyun kisses Kyungsoo, Sehun finds himself wondering how would it feel to kiss Junmyeon, what would his lips taste like (right now he imagines he would feel beer and sorrow). Or when Minseok intertwines fingers with Chungha, soft and adorable, Sehun thinks that Junmyeon would be such a nice company in winter, like a teddy bear to hug and love throughout the cold season and also a fantastic company in spring, and in autumn and in summer...

Jongin nudges him with one sharp elbow and Sehun snaps back into reality, hand still wrapped around his bottle of beer. He sits straight and steady, legs crossed and eyes trying to catch up to what’s happening. Jongdae is giving an emotional speech and Chanyeol looks at the edge of tears, clutching his hands around his glass of wine. Junmyeon, sitting at the head of the table, smiles fondly, until his eyes meet Sehun and his smile grows ten times bigger. Sehun’s heart shakes and bends. Has he always felt like this about his best friend’s older brother? 

Sehun pretty much grew up in Jongin’s house. Since they met, one eventful day in the middle of nap time, nothing has been able to break their bond. They clicked because both were whiny little brats who loved Toy Story and wanted badly to be Woody and Buzz Lightyear. And so Sehun spent days and days in Jongin’s house, doing homework and eating chips, playing video games and being just the bests of friends. 

One of the perks of being so close to Jongin was his older brother, Junmyeon. Everytime little Sehun, 10 years and excited about everything, would sleepover at the Kim’s house, Junmyeon would turn off all the lights and tell them horror stories and scare them to death. But it was always fun, because after that he would share with them his secret stash of chocolate chip cookies and send them to bed with a wink and the promise of more cookies in the morning. He never complied, but the expectation was enough motivation for the kids.

Junmyeon was four years older than Jongin (even when the height difference became bigger and bigger with the years) and had a way of doing things that brought light to the world. He was happy and energetic and ready to help Sehun when he struggled with school work. Whenever Sehun stayed at Jongin’s house, Junmyeon would sit down with them and complain about algebra and weird math that Sehun didn’t understand. He was to him the older brother he never had. 

Or at least he used to think about him as a brother.

A soft breeze crosses the terrace of Minseok’s house and Joohyun shrugs before wrapping herself in a big brown jacket. Seulgi places a hand on top of Jongin’s thigh and he smiles back at her, leaning forward to press a soft peck on her cheek. Sehun stares mindlessly at the half empty plate in front of him, sipping beer before turning his attention back to Jongdae, who finishes his speech with a big scream and hugs Junmyeon like his life depends on it. Joohyun takes Junmyeon’s hand and he smiled back at her. There is a strange tension surrounding them, or maybe Sehun’s is imagining the short circuit to save himself from more damage. 

Sehun wonders just when he started to think about his best friend’s older brother like that. It definitely happened after Junmyeon came out to his family as bisexual (maybe it triggered his heart knowing that there would be a small chance for him). Junmyeon was a month short of 19, crying about how he liked both boys and girls. Sehun was there, almost an actual part of the family, and saw the way Mrs Kim’s arms wrapped around her eldest son, telling him there was nothing wrong with that and asking if he was seeing anyone in college. Jongin later told him that he knew it all along (stupid know-it-all Nini). 

Sehun remembers being sixteen, pimple ridden face and a hormonal mess instead of a functional human, browsing porn websites with Jongin the summer both their parents went together on a holiday. Junmyeon bought them beers but made them promise they wouldn’t get wasted. Even one can of beer was enough for Sehun to feel giggly and fuzzy. That night he said he liked boys too and Jongin had asked him if he ever had wet dreams about him. Sehun hitted him with a pillow and they both fell asleep in an intoxicated frenzy. 

He had woken up in one of the brown couches, wrapped in a blanket, Jongin asleep a few meters away from him in another couch. Turning around he had seen Junmyeon’s face peeking up from the kitchen, winking at him and the smell of food dragging him from the living room. 

“You sure look wasted” the elder had said

"I only had one beer” Sehun complained. Junmyeon smiled with his whole face, his eyes almost disappearing. It was cute, Sehun thought, but brushed the thought away with a stash of pancakes covered in honey. 

“Ah, Sehunnie, you have no resistance to alcohol” he added, drinking a cup of coffee and shoving books in a blue backpack. Sehun got caught up in the way his name rolled off Junmyeon’s mouth. It was… pleasant. 

“How is college going?” Sehun had asked, innocent eyes filled with curiosity about all the economics textbooks a business major like Junmyeon had to read.

“Tiring, but I’ve made lots of friends, so that’s that” Junmyeon had patted the younger in the shoulder, and the hand rested there a little too long or that’s what Sehun’s overactive imagination said “Do me a favour, don’t study Business. You’ll get tired”

“I don’t want business” Sehun replied with a smirk “I’m going for law.”

“Well, I may be able to hire you if you graduate on time” Junmyeon winked at him, but then his expression shifted. He smiled softly and it was endearing, a moment of sincere emotion when he said: “You’ll be best lawyer in all of Korea, I trust you will”

It had pleased Sehun beyond measure when Junmyeon showed up for his graduation day. He was unsure if he would be there, the elder was working non-stop in his newly gained position as the boss of the business department of a company based in Busan. But he had been there, wearing a tux and a bowtie and smiling with his entire face. However, Sehun’s smile became significantly smaller when he noticed that his favourite hyung wasn’t alone. Seeing it in retrospective, perhaps that’s the moment Sehun’s heart finally woke up. 

“Everyone, this is Bae Joohyun, my girlfriend” he introduced her in the most casual of ways, as if he was talking about the weather. And she was beautiful, beyond what he may have expected.

Junmyeon tells, over lunch in a fancy restaurant in Gangnam, that Joohyun is one of the most successful women in korean marketing and that even foreign companies have dropped her job offers. They met during a company summit in Jeju and became close since then. Joohyun is funny and clever, and everyone (even Sehun’s own parents) seem to love her. 

Sehun shouldn’t feel this betrayed about his best friend’s older brother having a girlfriend who looks like a model. He has a girlfriend too, Nayeon, who is adorable and smart and a year short of graduating from med school. But Junmyeon and Joohyun are too perfect together, his arm fitting perfectly around her slim figure as they walk side by side. And Sehun’s insides burned. 

Jongin graduates in November, snatching his engineering degree with a less than amazing final (but whatever, he says, I finally made it). He demands celebration and ends up drinking with too many soju bombs in a God forsaken bar. Sehun and Junmyeon have to drag him home before he is charged with robbery for taking a bottle of wine from the bartender’s hands. It takes the strength of a village to pull him to the top of the eighty steps staircase (Jongin’s building has a non-functioning elevator) and Sehun has never heard Junmyeon curse so much in one moment. It’s a life changing experience when they almost fall asleep against each other in front of Jongin’s closed door, Junmyeon’s heartbeat marking the rhythm of Sehun’s own heart. 

A week before christmas that year, Junmyeon told Sehun they should go and a triple date. 

“Triple?” Sehun asked, confused, drinking his coffee one little sip at a time. Junmyeon had invited him to a small cafeteria in downtown Seoul and Sehun had dropped all compromises to run behind his favourite hyung. 

“Yeah” Junmyeon sounded overly confident, biting down his muffin before talking again “you and Nayeon, me and Joohyun, Jongin and one of Joohyun’s friends” 

“Ah, I see” Sehun giggled “you want to match her with little Nini?”

“He needs to get laid, you and me both know that” Junmyeon had said, smiling playfully and blushing slightly. Sehun was smitten. His playful persona falls apart in a second, looking away from Sehun. 

“We both have someone to love and it’s not fun to be a third wheel” he sighed deeply and looked out of the window, to a city in the middle of the fiery dusk “I just want my little brother to be happy” his eyes met Sehun’s and he swears that there was a strange spark behind Junmyeon’s irises before he says “you are a little brother to me too, Sehunnie”

Sehun nodded and thought that if he drank his coffee fast enough, maybe the wound inside his heart would burn less.

The wound opens that tuesday evening and becomes a fatal blow by friday night. The triple date turned out to be a success when Jongin almost immediately clicked with Kang Seulgi, a lifelong friend of Joohyun. It was even better (he has to force himself to think about it as a good thing) when Junmyeon pressed a steady kiss in Joohyun’s mouth after telling everyone that he has been promoted. Seulgi and Nayeon cooed adorably at the scene, smitten by the love they share. Sehun said congratulations and finished all the wine in his glass in one take. 

Seulgi and Jongin start dating soon after.    
Junmyeon and Joohyun move together a couple of weeks later.    
Sehun feels his life slowly falling apart. 

  
Nayeon graduated the following summer. They celebrated going out to a club, the first time Sehun goes to a club without Jongin and Junmyeon. It felt strange but he tried to shake the ugly feelings pressing his body against Nayeon’s and drinking the wine of her soft lips and sly smiles. There was a burden inside Sehun’s heart that is hidden by Nayeon’s hands sliding down his body and the mind numbing amounts of alcohol he had taken. 

By the end of summer, Sehun was overridden with the feelings of loneliness and there was a heavy weight in his chest. Despite it all, life seemed to be good, or so Sehun was told through it all. He had landed himself a job in a law studio in busy Seoul, moved with Nayeon to a small and cramped apartment. Slowly, his heart went down the drain, blood staining the clear tiled floors. 

In the morning of December 28th, Nayeon talked about marriage with bright eyes and a big smile. Sehun could sense the sour taste creeping inside his throat because he was about to tell her they need to make distance. 

After a three days long fight, everything Nayeon owned was packed neatly and she told Sehun that she wasn’t resentful of him (not yet at least), just deeply sad and disappointed. He apologized for the pain he had caused her. Nayeon smiled sadly, a sense of finality in the way her hand rested over Sehun’s shoulder before she went to bed. 

Nayeon left one cloudy day in mid-January, exactly one day before Junmyeon called him for the first time in months. They drifted apart after Junmyeon got promoted, too busy with his job to keep up with the antics of his younger brother and his best friend (Jongin and Sehun, despite not seeing each other much, have kept in touch through it all. Maybe that’s why Jongin understood so easily the pain Sehun lived). The distance had bothered Sehun to the point of making him question if he had done something wrong. Jongin reassured him that such thing is impossible and gave him a sympathetic nod, as if he knew the way Sehun’s heart beated. For some reason, that thought made Sehun feel comforted.

“I missed you” it’s the first thing Junmyeon says, he doesn’t say hello nor how are you. His opening line is about missing and Sehun feels his stomach sink. 

Their phone call lasts nearly half an hour. They spoke about work, the weather and all sorts of insignificant stuff. Invitably, Junmyeon asked about Nayeon. Sehun looked around his apartment only to see the missing bits and pieces of the girl who was his girlfriend and shaked his head softly before answering about his regained single status. Junmyeon only said “oh” before Sehun brushed the topic away. However, Sehun wished desperately he had explained all the details about his relationship instead of hearing Junmyeon’s next words. 

“I’m enlisting in February” Junmyeon said. Sehun sat down, fisting the fabric of his black sweater in a clumsy attempt to find comfort for the sudden shot.

“What?”

“I’m enlisting, Sehun” his voice strangled at the end, almost as if he was choking back tears. Sehun wanted nothing more than to hug him until his heart stopped. 

“When?”

“February 4th”

  
“Minseok is planning a dinner… a farewell of sorts” Jongin tells him the next day “February 1st, in his apartment” He had excused himself early from his work to eat lunch with Sehun, confirming that his best friend knew just how badly his heart had been shaped by the affections of Junmyeon. 

“Do we have to bring something?“

“Your head and maybe a bottle of wine or two” Jongin had said, so lightly, so casual. Sehun barely smiled in response. Jongin sighed “Make sure you don’t leave your heart behind”

“I’ll think about it” Sehun replies, finishing his dish and looking out of the window to a soulless city that smells of toxins and bitter farewells. 

And the clouds of the sky settled, bit by bit, around Sehun’s mind. He read and drinked and smiled with his co-workers. One of the lawyers had been hitting on him since the day he joined the law studio, one pesky and smartass foreign boy named Yixing who giggled in the cutest of ways but had a lusty nature hidden behind those shiny eyes. Sehun asked for his number, they went out for dinner and Sehun had a hard time trying to find balance while making out in the steps leading to his apartment. Sehun wonders, as he gets a good morning message from the cute chinese lawyer a couple of days after, why does his heart feel so heavy all the time.

  
  


“It’s going to rain soon” Jongdae announces as they begin to end the night. Sehun looks up at the sky for a moment and the next thing he knows is that a soft hand has settled in his back. When he looks down, Junmyeon stares at him intently. 

“Sehunnie, I thought you wouldn’t come” his eyes are full of something Sehun can’t describe as any other thing than happiness. Strange for a man who is about to join the military. 

“Why?” he asks, passing a half empty bottle of wine to Jongin.

“Didn’t you say you had a trial on tuesday?”

“Oh, that” Sehun shrugs “It was a court hearing. They moved it to friday, so it’s all good” 

“That’s good” Junmyeon’s hand softly moves upwards. Sehun melts. 

“Yeah, it’s good” his shaky voice betrays his stern expression. Joohyun walks up to them and Sehun turns around, excusing himself quickly. If the rain is bound to fall any moment now he better run away, get a taxi and call it a day. However, Baekhyun catches him before he can run away from the house. 

“Hey asshat,” he screams at the top of his lungs, that tiny bastard with good vocal chords “we have to take a picture before he shaves” his hand grips around Sehun’s elbow and draws him back to the terrace. However, before they can reach the rest of the people, Baekhyun tugs his sweater and drags him so they are the same height “Joohyun moved out last month, they aren’t together” he whispers and runs away before Sehun can say a single word. 

Sehun feels like a heavy fog has fallen before his eyes and the buzz inside his head its close to the one alcohol gives. The ground is no longer a stable place but Jongin, reliable and kind and always conscious Jongin, manifests out of thin air, wrapping his long arms around Sehun and dragging him to the centre of the scenery. 

The timer is set in Junmyeon’s phone, placed strategically above a bottle of beer, leaning on two bottles of wine to keep it still. One flash and the photo is ready. Minseok is hugging Chungha from behind, Jongin’s head rests over Seulgi’s left shoulder, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun shine in the first line with peace signs in their non-intertwined hands, Jongdae’s smile shines like a 1000 W light bulb, but what truly stands out is the centre. Kim Junmyeon’s hand rests on Oh Sehun’s waist and Bae Joohyun barely taps Junmyeon’s shoulder with one dainty hand. 

“It’s raining!” Jongdae screams, running inside Minseok’s apartment to shelter himself from the tiny water drops. Minseok and the rest follow suit, except for three diametrically different figures. 

Time stops from a moment as Junmyeon reaches for his phone and takes a moment to place it in the back pocket of his slick jeans. His eyes reach Joohyun’s silhouette and he smiles but his expression is strange, one that Sehun is not used to see. The girl takes a step forward and Sehun should be running away because he can’t see them kiss, not knowing the way his poor heart sinks and sinks, but he stays, stubborn bastard energy radiating from the way his shoulders tense. 

“Don’t be dumb” Joohyun says, placing a kiss on Junmyeon’s right cheek “You know what to do” she turns back to Sehun and smiles before hitting the shorter male playfully “Come back quick and healthy, Kim Junmyeon, the company needs you” 

Junmyeon smiles as he watches the girl walk away, high heels marking the rhythm of her disappearance. Sehun wipes his forehead, head sticking down to his skin as the rain becomes heavier and heavier. And there is a heavy sense of loneliness and bitterness choking him, drowning his words. 

“Are you not going to say goodbye to your favourite hyung?” Junymeon says, opening his arms and Sehun can’t, he just can’t, resist the urge to hug him. And his arms wrap so nicely around Junmyeon’s figure, warm and impossibly perfect. When he pulls away, Junmyeon drags him close again, refusing to let go. To Sehun, the rain is falling heavier than ever before in his entire life. 

It’s one look, as Junmyeon slowly distances himself from Sehun, one sincere smile from his plump lips, one small moment as realization dawns on Sehun and their lips meet, clumsily.  And Sehun feels like he is falling into the depths of the ocean, but there are two hands, soft and so cold but electrifying cupping his face and forcing him down down down... It suffocates all senses, leaves only a buzzing sound behind and the rush of blood heading to his head to try and make sense of all of this chaos. 

“Am I dreaming?” is the only coherent thing Sehun can say when they separate, desperate for air. Junmyeon shakes his head softly, drops of water sliding down his face. To prove it all he leans forward again, kissing Sehun every so slowly, in a painfully chaste way.

“Your favourite hyung took too long, didn’t he?” he asks, lolling his head from side to side like a kid with a lollipop. Sehun thinks he tastes like beer and a million questions wrapped promises. 

“I don’t think so, it’s just…” Sehun desperately searches for words he knows he won’t find. This is no grand romance moment, there is no way to explain all of the thoughts and gymnastics his heart is going through as they speak. Junmyeon leans his head backwards and Sehun takes it as a moment to hug him and bury his face in the crook of his neck. There are no words just sobs and Junmyeon’s hand tracing circles in the back of Sehun’s damp sweater. 

  
  
  


“I’ll be back before you know it. It’s only eighteen months” Junmyeon says, passing a hand over his hairless head. Sehun giggles, leaning against the frame of his apartment’s front door. The weather report said it would be a sunny but chilly day and Sehun wishes he didn’t have to say goodbye, not now when he has so many questions, wishes and love to share. 

Junmyeon spent his last two days of freedom, february 2nd and 3rd, next to Sehun. The cramped apartment Sehun owns turns into a court hearing as he asks Junmyeon more and more questions. The whys and hows go unanswered, but he does get a insight about the Joohyun situation. Junmyeon admits, with an embarrassed look in his face, that he may have said, after a big fight, that he didn’t really like women and that had left Joohyun in tears. Confrontation was bound to happen and after Junmyeon had been totally honest, she had been understanding and kind, quickly moving out to save herself from a bigger heartache. 

Junmyeon brings answers and kisses and reassurance that he is not toying with Sehun, almost crying every time he admits that he had been madly in love but desperate to hide it since Sehun didn’t show any sign of feeling the same (“Those are the downsides of having a resting bitch face” Sehun admits, placing a hand in the small of Junmyeon’s back before kissing him). 

“And I’ll visit you every month, yeah yeah, hyung, I know” Sehun replies, crossing his arms over his chest as Junmyeon picks his backpack and smiles shyly.

“I’ll make it up to you when I come back” Junmyeon says as Sehun closes the door and begins to walk forward, heading for the elevator. 

“The less you can do is take me to Jeju for a week” the elevator’s door closes loudly and one heartbeat later Sehun’s lips find Junmyeon’s.

“You’ve got yourself deal, Sehunnie” his eyes are shiny and golden and contain all of the stars. Sehun thinks that if he is going to trust someone who is better than his favourite hyung? (Minseok is deeply offended that he is not the chosen hyung, but he’ll get over it).

**Author's Note:**

> [title from “Love Words” by Chen. Honestly April and a Flower is a blessing and we should appreciate it more]


End file.
